fear no more

my fearless pup

This post is real and this post is vulnerable.  Beware – parts of my soul and my crazy heart and head are on full display.  So here goes.

I have a hate-hate relationship with fear.  I have my whole life.  Fear is something that haunts me all the time.  It’s definitely a struggle of mine.  It touches every aspect of my life – from what I look like on the outside to how I feel on the inside.  I fear what others will think of me or say if I do this, or what will happen if I make this decision.  It’s the constant second-guessing, insecure voice in my head always doubting me.  It’s heightened because I’m a people-pleaser.  I would rather please others and do what they want me to do than make myself happy.  Sometimes this is a good thing and causes me to be selfless in situations where it’s needed, but in others it clouds my judgment and I can no longer see the decision at hand but only what others will think or say.  And fear is not from God.  No.  He does not want us to fear others or our circumstances but instead trust in Him for all things.  But mostly, I choose fear.

I feel like a lot of big stuff is going on right now in so many of my loved ones’ lives – big decisions to be made and big news to share.  Life has been a bit crazy for me too.  Between best friends getting married, bachelorette parties (I’m leaving today for Charleston yay), family cookouts, prepping for work, and the fact that I’ve been an emotional basket case lately, fear has seemed to creep in to most parts of my life.  Fear of not being good enough, fear of losing something or someone I love, fear of what others may think of a decision, fear of God deserting me even.  I lie awake at night sometimes and my head imagines the craziest and saddest possible situations.  Ugh.  It’s disturbing really.  When I put it on paper it makes me laugh, cry and feel kinda embarrassed.  It’s real and it’s honest though.  And it’s this fear that keeps me from enjoying all life has to offer.  It keeps me from relishing in the pure joy of an event or a blessing.  But it’s those times when I have no choice but to cling to the promise that He will never leave us.  I know that fear has no place in my heart.  I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and God does not bless us, and then leave us.  And I know that God does not give us more than we can handle.  No.  He stands beside us and He gives us the desires of our heart.  But why in the everyday musings of life, is it so hard for me to believe that?  I mean truly believe that.  Well, I’m flawed and a mess for sure.  But that will never change.

So today, I choose faith over fear.  I choose to let go of my control-freak nature and stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking.  Despite my disaster-like heart and crazy mind, God has chosen to bless me and put me in situations that are happy.  So I will be happy.  I will not let fear claim my happiness.  And when there are times of sadness and anger, I hope I choose faith then too.

So, God, please keep working on me.  

I’m still a mess and always will be.  

Change my heart and don’t let go.

pure bliss - no fear