OK so. This is the
third time I’ve written this post. Looks
like this one, unlike the other two, didn’t get deleted. There are a few reasons why I’ve so hesitated
to post this. First, I’m about to get
personal ya’ll. I share little bits of
my heart on here all the time, but this one cuts deep. The truth is, life isn’t always unicorns and
rainbows. Not in your life and certainly
not in my life. And sometimes, I feel
like I put pressure on myself to always put uplifting and encouraging posts on
here. I worry what others will think the
first time I post something personal or sad.
I worry that people will judge me.
But a few months ago I read Sarah’s post that encouraged me. Mine doesn’t look exactly like hers, but I
will say that I have come to respect and love this little bloggy community I
have found. The past few months have
been hard. And it is amazing how much
encouragement I have found in reading so many other blogs who have experienced
something in relation to what I have. So
enough I already I know. I’m stopping
the justification and saying thank you.
Thank you for letting me be honest on here. I pray that my post will encourage just one
woman out there – one family. Because
that is reason enough for me.
So what is all this about?
Well just a few months ago, on July 9, 2012 Matt and I found out we were
pregnant. PREGNANT. Holy
cow. Blood tests confirmed the next
day I had a 5 week old baby just a cookin.
We were surprised. So
surprised. We weren’t technically trying. But we were overjoyed. Absolutely
ecstatic. 6 days later one of my
best friends got married and I happily faked drinking water out of beer bottles
and non-alcoholic margaritas. I was
walking on air. But I’m a worry wart. A crazy one.
And I was so nervous. But I
followed all my rules to the T and Matt and I anxiously went to our 8 week
appointment on August 6.
That was a hard day. Probably
the saddest day I’ve had in my entire life.
No baby. No heartbeat. Hormones? Check. Amniotic sac? Check. But my little one that was once was no
longer. The medical term is “blighted
ovum” but the term that hit me like a ton of bricks was “miscarriage.” Miscarriage.
I believe this is one of a woman’s biggest fears. And no matter how many people can relate, or
how far a long you were or weren’t, it hurts.
More than I can explain on paper.
More than I can explain in words.
I felt lost, I felt alone and I felt empty. I am so blessed to say that my husband truly
was and is my rock. He carried me and
continues to do so. His strength brought
me through when I had absolutely none.
And I know he will make an amazing father one day.
Fast forward to today, October 4, 2012, and here I am. Still going to doctor’s appointments almost
weekly trying to get my body all figured out.
We aren’t going to try for a bambino for quite a while now because we
want to focus on us some more and do a little travelin’. And I kinda need to stop being so emotional
before we put another baby in my belly. But
I’m OK. No. I’m better than OK. I am
grateful. You see, the immediate days
following my August 6 appointment were filled with sadness yes, and a lot of
anger. I was so mad at God. How could he take what was mine?
How could he put me through
something like this? And you know
what He did? He could’ve (and probably
should’ve) shaken me by my shoulders and screamed, “Stop talking crazy child,”
but instead He just held me. He held me close. He reminded me that He is good. He has a plan. A plan that is so much bigger and better than
anything I could ever dream of. A plan that makes His kingdom bigger and my
heart more full. So it is with truth
that I can say for this experience I am grateful. Sounds strange to some maybe. I am actually grateful for my
miscarriage. Now don’t get me
wrong. It still hurts. It’s still sad. But slowly He is healing me. He is drawing me
closer and closer to Him. I am becoming
more of Him and less of me. He showed me
a side of my husband I have never seen before.
One that is strong and trusting of the Lord and one that gives me great
confidence for our future.
So yea, I am grateful.
And I pray that if anyone is reading this or has experienced any kind of
miscarriage or losing a child, please know I am praying for you. Every day.
If you want a blogger friend to talk to, email me. Every miscarriage experience is different but
every experience is painful. I pray that
you know you are not alone. And that God
is holding you. And despite how you feel
right now, He is good. It’s crazy how
many people have experienced this exact same thing, but no one talks about
it. Well, I just did. And I know a lot of other people who are
starting to as well. Because that’s real
life.
So thanks for listening today. Hope it wasn’t too sad or down for you. But it was real and honest. Last, Matt and I started a journal for our
baby when we found out we were pregnant.
I will leave you with a small bit of the last letter I wrote our
precious babe.
“Thank
you for filling up my heart fuller than I ever imagined. Thank you for showing me how to love more
fully and more unconditionally. And
thank you for showing me bits and pieces of your dad, I haven’t seen yet…. I
love you.”
xoxo